Life online can be something of an obstacle course – I
know what I want, I’ve found the right web-page, and now all I have
to do is dodge the adverts, the animated gifs, the sly popup windows,
and then, just when I think I’m there: clickbait.
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| Three Ways To Get Your Hands On A Hot Chick |
Not interesting clickbait, not something I want
to look at, but clumsy coarse rubbish on the menu. A digital dietary
option that I know will be high in polyunsaturated facts. I know it’s
digital junk-food because it follows the standard form that says
clickbait, but eat me anyway.
It’s a pattern and in a moment of former-programmer
irritation I started designing a search formula to automatically
track and net cheap clickbait. So, the underlying design of the
clickbait headline goes something like this:
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| Seven Foolproof Ways To Talk To Cute Redheads |
First there’s a number, certainly greater than one,
generally more than two. Really, three is a good basic
starter, four if absolutely necessary, whilst five is a
perfect choice. Going on upwards, six through nine are bearable, ten
is another perfect number, eleven just wrong and twelve has such a
deep resonance that it’s beyond perfect. Thirteen is an absolutely
no-no, unless this is Halloween clickbait – thirteen ways to
pretend there’s no-one home when the trick-or-treat mob arrives.
Secondly there is a standard tag such as things
or ways, perhaps something more adventurous like styles
or destinations, ideally
augmented with a well-chosen modifier like perfect
or great. Now the
pattern is coming together – five great ways...
Thirdly there is a basic grammatical link like to
or for, leading into the necessary verb, which can be just
about anything, but again there are some stock favourites like get
or make, perhaps find or save, but I’m going
to go with something a bit more punchy: roast. Five Great
Ways to Roast Live Clickbait – Yes, bland is fine for the
clickbait pattern, but for the wildest, most dishonest clickbait the
verb wants a bit more pop. You can probably do a search for it
along the lines of ten ways to make your clickbait sparkle.
Finally, you need that eye-catching topic. It can be
anything from a single word to a detailed phrase, but shorter is
better, and there are clear winners to choose from. Number one is
sex. So, twelve rules for perfect sex – clickbait dream. Money is
another good one, five ways to be a millionaire. Just feel that mouse
movement. And then food, clothes, cars... really, it doesn’t
matter, just so long as it gets attention.
 |
| Nope. Not buying it. |
So, there you have it, Five Great Ways to Roast Live
Clickbait.
Of course, when you click the link, the destination
page probably barely mentions clickbait, certainly not live
clickbait, and might not bother to offer the promised five
distinct points. You can forget learning how to roast, boil or fry
it, or not until you’ve clicked past a dozen pages crammed with
adverts, because that is the point. After all, full-fat fried, or
lean and roasted, the clickbait is only there to expose you to
advertising.
By the way, would you like to buy my book?
Or a handy aerosol pesticide, guaranteed to kill one
hundred percent of all clickbait. Only four-nintety-nine a bottle.
I could offer you a link to Thirteen Ways To Permanently
Eradicate Clickbait, but it would be a total sham. There’s a reason
for that pattern – it works. Even when you recognise it, clickbait
is like chocolate cake – you know it’s bad for you, it can be
resisted, but it takes an effort of will. Let’s face it, long
before the internet was at the end of a list of Ten Really Useful
Applications For Computers, newspapers and magazines had been drawing
in readers with a promise of Ten Ways To Have A Bigger (insert
sex-related term here).
By the way, did I mention buying my book? Five Killer
Runes to Save You From the Demons as you read Hell of a Deal.
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